Sunday, April 10, 2011

Raisins. They suck...

Raisins suck. You may like raisins, in which you suck. Why not just eat the grape? It's so much better.

But it seems that the world is not in agreement with me on this one, because raisins continue to rear their ugly selves all over the place.

They even look bad. Ever seen a pile of mouse turds? Look familiar then?

But no place do I hate raisins more than when they ruin perfectly good dessert items. The worst offense? Dressing up like an Oatmeal Chocolate Chip cookie. We've all done this. You spy the prize sitting invitingly on a table either at work or a party:


You snag one and then take what you expect will be that first big blissful bite. However the second the teeth hit what should be sweet chocolaty oatmeal lovechild combo goodness you sense something isn't right. Chocolate chips shouldn't be chewy right? All at once a chain reaction of realization goes through your brain:

Chocolate chips chewy = not right = wait a minute = not what I wanted = fruity = BAD! = RAISINS!!!

At this point it is ok to cry and then throw away the cookie. But if only it were done there. If you're like me, this unfortunate circumstance sets of the whole 7 stages of grief scenario. When I bite into what I think will be chocolaty oatmeal goodness only to have my taste buds molested by the mouse turd impersonators, my mood shifts as follows.
Shock and Denial: This cannot be. Surely the bakery made a mistake and the next bite won't have raisins.

Pain and Guilt: Why put raisins in here? WHY? I just wanted a cookie and I got this?! {sobbing}

Anger: JAKE MAD!!!!! What asshole does this?! Raisins belong in old people's pantries and little kid's lunches. NOT COOKIES!!!!

Depression: Well that's it. First this, now I'm gonna get an upset stomach, vomit, and my whole day is gonna be ruined. Why did I even take this cookie? Stuff never works out for me. {over exaggerated sigh}

Hope: You know what? I don't have to finish this abomination. I can throw it away and maybe next time it will have chocolate chips instead of raisins. Anyone else think these look like mouse turds?

Reconstruction and Working Through It: Actually, if I take the other way home, I could stop by the bakery and get the proper cookie. This day may not be completely ruined.

Acceptance: It's ok this cookie has raisins. Some people like them. Some people also like getting kicked in the nuts or having their nipples shocked. Or even both. The point is, some people are just weird, and weirdos need their cookies too. We may not agree with it, but damn it, this is America, and if people want to put things in their sweet treats that look like mouse excrement, I say do it!

Seriously though, raisins are terrible. Don't put them in cookies. Weirdos.

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