Thursday, April 28, 2011

Duck and weave, and grab the Pedialyte on the way by...

Despite my persona, I'm not a confrontational person.

Really, I'm not.

When people argue, I get somewhat uncomfortable. And unless I'm really pushed, I'll keep my mouth shut for the most part. Unless my opinion is asked, then I may spew forth venom like a geyser.

But for the most part, I don't stir the pot as they say.

But sometimes, one cannot stay silent and let things past. For me, it's when dealing with the galactically stupid.

A few years ago, Daven brought home one of the many daycare acquired illnesses he has been exposed to. The whole works, including some action involving evacuation of fluids. At both ends. Being the good and loving parents we are, we took care of the little guy. And with medical knowledge to both of our credits, we know that when the little ones are expressing fluid violently, you must replace expelled fluid with some new stuff. Enter the pharmaceutical gurus:

Unfortunately, this stuff doesn't have a long shelf life once opened. 5 days if I remember correctly. As such, we don't keep a ready supply on hand. So, being the hunter and gatherer of the household, I volunteered to quickly run up to the grocery store and pick up a jug.

"How hard could that be?" you ask. Well apparently you've never gone to the grocery store over here in "The Wood" after the sun goes down.

I jump in the truck, drive to the store, park, and begin the trek into what I'm thinking will be an uneventful excursion. But as I get closer to the crosswalk, I notice headlights out of the corner of my eye. Realizing that they haven't even made the turn onto the main drag, I figure it's safe to cross.

I forgot where I was. Lack of sleep with a sick kid will alter your mental state so that common sense isn't so common. This is Maplewood, and the cup of idiots runneth over.

I'm halfway into the crosswalk when I notice the lights are now pointed at me and approaching quick. Just as I make eye contact, the car stops (about 6 feet away or so) and douchebag driver lays on the horn. Now, tired or not, I'm pretty sure the law says that one must yield to pedestrians when they are in or about to enter the crosswalk. Also, dickweed decides that the stop sign before the crosswalk does not apply to him. Regardless of all that, I'm pretty tired, pissed at the world because everyone else is sleeping through the night and not dealing with a sick child, and I'm really not in the mood to be honked at. All that in mind, something shifts in my brain, and the inner bad ass comes out:

"Bring it Bee-otch!!!"

Why a pug dog you ask? Take a look at one. Anything that stupid looking better be able to back something up.

Back to the story. There I am in the crosswalk trying to comprehend where this guy gets off honking at me when I was just trying to cross legally well before he even got anywhere near here. At this point, with the inner bad ass activated, I take action:

Unoriginal? Yup. Appropriate for the situation? What do you think? I didn't want to waste time, so I flashed him the old one finger salute. At this point, he backs up rather quickly. But if he failed to yield to a pedestrian much less stop for a stop sign, do you think he's gonna check his mirror? When he stomps on it to back up, he almost runs down another couple exiting the store. The gentleman whom almost became road kill does not seemingly have a hesitation to confront, as he ditches his bag to the ground and slams a rather angry fist on the guys trunk, all the while cursing heavily.

The jackass driver stops, and proceeds to swing open the door.

It is at this point I decide Pedialyte is not worth dying over, as it would seem the situation has reached a whole new level of volatility, and in my less than optimal mental state, the first thing that springs to mind is a shootout between the two. But as I'm weighing the options of running back to my truck or diving behind the pallet of discount chips right inside the door, a very authoritative voice pierces the chilled night air:

"Get back in your vehicle, and shut the engine off! NOW!!"

All at once, I'm aware of the blue and red lights swirling and reflecting off the windows and other cars in the parking lot. Apparently, there was a squad car parked just a few spaces down from where this was all going on, and the law enforcement officer was now making his way over to the action. I watched from the safety of the bulk buns, and after a few moments decided I needed to be on my way. I had enough drama for one night. After locating the goods, exchanging the currency for it, and walking on out, I noticed that the squad was now parked behind the idiot driver's car. The driver was conspicuously absent from behind the wheel. The good officer was writing in his ticket pad, and I stopped and asked if I needed to make a statement or something. He answered in the negative, saying that the other couple provided enough statement and unless I really wanted to make one I could be on my way. I thanked him for doing his job, and proceeded to go home.

And that was that, until the next time I needed to make a run to the store for items to deal with sickness. That's right, another situation evolved. Elli has since banned me from making sick item procurement runs.


  1. Wow- what a great blog to read! Hopefully, it will be better for you next time. Thank God the cop was there. Awesome!

  2. Oh just wait. The next story I have about grocery shopping for sick supplies is better. Thanks for the blog complement! Back at ya, as I enjoy your blog as well.


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