Thursday, January 1, 2015

Aksel's Story...

So one day Elli and I came to a crossroads. We had 2 healthy kids who were starting to get very independent, we were enjoying some stability now that both of us had been out of school for a while and had solid jobs, and were enjoying smooth sailing.

And HM was well on her way to being out of diapers. So, so very close to that.

But with all that, we decided we'd like to welcome a 3rd child, cause we've never been ones to enjoy down time.


Along with this decision, we also decided we needed to move into a larger house. Even with the current situation we were in at that time, the walls were closing in. And when Dav and HM decide they want to move, they MOVE! It's never a casual pace. So a bigger house was needed. One with separate rooms with everyone so if need be, we could truly "divide and conquer". The whole selling and moving was covered before, and isn't important to todays story.

Let's begin!

We had a plan to nicely space our kids out, and it worked fairly well with Dav and Hannah. We liked the idea of them being close to 3 years apart, or even closer to 2 years apart. Somewhere in that range. So if we could get Elli pregnant around the late summer early fall of 2012, #3 would show up Summer of 2013 or thereabouts. Perfect! And since our timelines worked out as planned with our first 2 children, there was no need to think this would be any different. With a house on the market and looking for new places to live, we also looked to adding another kid. And thanks to sex ed class and the fact family members read this, we will skip those details.

Tick tock…tick tock…

Weeks turned to months, and the months started adding up. Before I get into this part, I want to stress that this is our story only. We are not comparing our struggle with anyone else out there, and we know that there are those who may be reading this who's struggle was much more involved. With what we went thru, which is little compared to others we personally know, we have a greater appreciation for what some people had to go thru multiple times.

A little bit of fear started creeping into the mix around the 6 month mark or so. We kept trying to tell ourselves that "these things take time" and "it will eventually happen". Be patient was the mantra. But it was started to wear on us both, but Elli was starting to take it more personally than I. Hopelessness is too strong of a word, but something along that line was starting to work it's way into her being. 9 months than came and still nothing. We started just casually looking into what other options may be available. By no means were we going to do radical measures, such as IVF or fertility drugs of the like, but we figured maybe we could at least start looking into very broad workups to try and point us into the right direction. With that regard, no one will see you unless you hit the year mark of "solid trying" and have nothing to show for it.

August 2013

One year. One year and nothing but disappointment. We successfully had 2 children with absolutely zero problems. And now, each month was something to dread. Another failure, another week or so of watching Elli completely beat herself up. It was frustrating cause there was nothing I could say. No words of comfort. There would be a little bit of hope, and then we'd find out this wasn't the time either. The hopelessness was starting to grab onto both of us, and in situations like this I think of myself as the rock for us both. I'm supposed to be the tough guy, the emotionless one that provides stability. But one whole year of "solid trying"! But there was a little bit of hope on the horizon. We were officially at the 1 year mark, which meant we could go in and start getting some work up done. And that's just what we did, but not after revisiting the whole issue. We again took stock, and almost had ourselves convinced that we were good with 2 kids. In fact, we DID have ourselves convinced we were good with 2. When asked about more kids, I confided in only a few people that we have 2, and it just doesn't seem to be in the cards for us to have 3. Not our choice, it's just not working out. We were even at the point that Elli packed up all the baby clothes to donate away. We tried for a year, and at this point a little longer, and it wasn't working. It was just too emotionally draining to keep going thru this each month. Something was wrong, but we were incredibly thankful for the 2 amazing children we already had. It's not fair to them to keep draining ourselves and not fully embracing what we already had. So one night, with the clothes all packed away in bins for donation, Elli tearfully asked for help loading them into the van to be taken away and passed onto some stranger. So as I went down the stairs to help, my brain started screaming at me to say what no doubt both of us wanted to say. But I know neither of us wanted to break this wall we very gingerly constructed around the issue. And we both know that had it not been voiced, we would've forever wondered "what if?" So while putting shoes on and getting ready, I quietly, very shakily asked the question I knew would blow everything wide open again:

"Are we sure we want to do this?"

And Elli broke down. And seeing that, and having my own emotions about the whole thing come back up to the surface, I broke down. And we stood there embraced for a good few minutes or so. And right there over the bins of clothes we decided a new concrete plan that would provide answers, and not leave us with the "what if" scenario. We would meet with a fertility specialist. We would have simple basic workups as needed for both, but we would NOT do radical measures to get pregnant.

Here's your cup, and detailed instructions. No cheating!!

So we met the guy. And he very quietly, but thoughtfully and respectfully, laid out options. The first were indeed basic workups for Elli and I. Some blood work, some dye study for her and a plastic cup for me, and a little time processing it all. And guess what? Elli was fine and normal. Turns out I was the problem. Elli would later confess that she was relieved it wasn't her, and I fully understood what she was saying. And honestly, it was a relief for me as well since I know she would've beaten herself up even more.

At this point we are in or around December, and with all the info we have the focus is on me now, and I have an appointment by myself to meet with our guy again. It's truly a relief to have a very focused plan. A solid plan that we are both 100% sold on. And we are going to give it a little more time and let things go as they go. But fate stepped in then, and must've said something like "Alright. I gave you plenty of chances. I gave you 16 months to reconsider and you two morons didn't take it. You want to be outnumbered? You want to do diapers again? You want 1-2 hour sleep intervals for weeks on end? Fine dumbasses. You got it."

An early morning look via Dec 2013…

When Elli and I both have to work, the kids have early morning and are dropped off at daycare. Elli and I drive separately since she works longer hours. So after the kids are dropped off, we go the same route for a good portion of our commute. There's an entrance ramp to the highway that we encounter that has those oh so useful lights for controlling traffic. Elli always likes to line up next to me on that and make faces or get me the smile. It hardly ever works since I hate mornings and going to work in general. And this day is no different as she pulls up. And as always she makes a face, but just as my light turns green I look over and she has a look of shock and wonderment on her face. But, being the good husband I am, and the fact it's 6:20am, I pay it no mind and drive to work and go thru the day as I always do. And the evening activities are the same as they always are: I pick the kids up after work from daycare, we come home and have supper, we entertain for a while, and I put the kids to bed and wait for Elli to come home around 8'ish. Again, this night is no different and I'm doing some dishes when she gets home. She acts no differently and peeks in on the kids. When she comes back out she asks me what I'm doing in September of 2014. I'm confused as we both had signed up for a half ironman triathlon that month, and reply as such. She then says she's not doing that anymore and I ask why? She says because she'll be giving birth instead.

Daven, Aksel, Elli, and Hannah May.

Happy New Year All!! We are incredibly thankful for what 2014 brought us, and we look forward to the new challenges and experiences 2015 brings us!

Site Meter