Friday, June 11, 2010

Light/Lite/Crappy Beer...

Light beers are only good for one thing: funny commercials.

Both Bud Light and Miller Lite have commercials that are hilarious. Even Keystone Light recently released the "Keith Stone" commercial. Funny stuff. But that's it as far as positives from me about light beer.

Listen up Nancy's. If you have one of these can's of weasel piss in your hand, you do not get to do the following ever again:

1) Insult other people drinking beer, especially real beer. Ever notice how no one with a bottle of Summit or a mug of Guinness ever gets made fun of?

2) Complain how you'd better slow down so that you don't feel like crap in the morning. You're basically drinking water so you're fine.

3) Say how "absolutely destroyed" you are when drinking your barley flavored water. No you're not. Stop it.

4) Demand that other people drink more. One can of real beer is basically 4 of yours put together. We're drinking plenty. You're the Girl Scout of the crew.

5) At most you may have a slight headache the following morning, but you do not get to compare it ever to the massive hangover those of us professional drinkers experience from time to time.

However, those with a lite brew in hand are allowed to do the following:

1) Fetch the real beer for the real drinkers.

2) Wear a skirt.

3) Put a lemon wedge in it. Hey, I do it with water sometimes so why not give a little taste to that goat spit you're drinking huh?

4) Tap the top of other lite beer drinkers bottles. It's funny to see the reaction of the victim and it's not wasting actual beer.

5) Buy drinks for everyone else (Appendum: It IS acceptable to complain about free lite beer. It's that bad).

Grab a Stout, slug it down, and experience what beer is supposed to be you ninnies.

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